As Summer has ended and school has begun, I have found myself feeling sad and unsettled. My children are moving up in the ranks from elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school and onward. Of course, change and growth are expected and encouraged, yet not letting go and holding on are all that I have been feeling lately.
When my kids went back to school this past week, I stayed home all day and felt like a dark cloud was hovering over me. I felt an indulgent kind of sadness, missing my little ones that have been long gone for years. I couldn’t wait to pick them up from school and hold them close and try and slow down time.
My kids are my life, as most Mothers would say. They have my heart and consume my worried mind in ways I never could imagine. They fill me with joy, and in the same breath, bring me to my knees. They force me to grow. They force me to hold steady. They force me to love bigger. They bring out my best and my worst. It feels like time is slipping through my fingers and I can’t stop it. I know that surrender is the most graceful path a Mother can take, yet it’s so very hard to do. Hard as it may be, I do sit back and marvel at these little-big people that have made me who I am.
This struggle puts so many things into perspective for me. When they were little there were countless times that I wanted to rush through their stages of growth, wanting them to finally walk, or talk or just give me five minutes alone. Those days have long past and it happened in a blink of an eye. The cliche that hindsight is 20/20 could not be more true. I wish I had marveled a bit more at their evolution into young adults. I wish I could have one more day of holding them on my hip or helping them climb steps. It’s the beauty and tragedy of Motherhood it seems. We experience a series of firsts and lasts with our precious children and it doesn’t end. It’s the most beautiful and difficult experience a woman can have I believe. For those of you who can relate to this awareness, I feel you and I am grateful to know that I am not alone. I wish us all presence, strength and unity as we let go in Love.